


I'll Follow My Heart

by Jenfly



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Drama, Emotions, Feelings, Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenfly/pseuds/Jenfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After everything he had been through, he had never really considered to find himself in a new relationship. Actually he had pretty much given up on the whole 'finding love' thing. But of course nothing had ever gone as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Follow My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> *sighs* I don't even know... This got a little bit out of hand and ended up being a lot longer than I had planned. Oh god, what Spones has done to me. :D
> 
> So, this is the longest oneshot I've ever written and I really enjoyed writing this. There doesn't happen much in this, mostly this is just talking with some thoughts thrown in at times. I just really wanted to write Bones struggling with his feelings. 
> 
> I think I'm quite happy how this turned out to be, especially bc this is so long. My apologies of all the mistakes, hope there's not too many of them. Anyway, hope you enjoy this. ^__^

McCoy was sitting at the dimly lit bar in Yorktown, holding full glass of liquor in his hand. His shift at the Medical Center had ended just a few hours ago and even though he liked working he was glad he hadn't have to spend any more time today taking care of the patients. The day had been quite hectic with many births and basic health checks. Generally speaking his day had been good if that wasn't count when he had had to come face to face with a certain Vulcan. And more precisely a Vulcan to whom he had happened some mind-boggling way to fall in love with.

Their meeting had been otherwise normal except he had had a little difficulty to act like he wasn't head over heels in love with Spock. The Vulcan had been as stoic as usual but now that he thought it more Spock may have been standing a little bit closer to him than necessary. Or maybe he had just imagined it. It wouldn't have been a surprise if his mind had played some tricks just to remind of how hopelessly in love he really was.

He sighed, shaking his head and took a proper sip from his drink. _Damn Vulcan for messing with his head and heart._

”Bones, here you are!” Jim's way too cheerful voice made McCoy roll his eyes. His friend patted his shoulder and sat next to him, immediately ordering a drink for himself.  
”So, where's your Vulcan?” captain inquired, winking and flashing a big smile at him.  
”He's not my Vulcan.”  
”But could be.”  
There was a point but apparently captain had forgotten one little thing. 

”He's in a relationship with Uhura.”  
”Was. They broke up weeks ago.”  
McCoy raised his brow. ”Broke up? How do you know that?”  
”How don't you? I thought that Spock had already told you about it.”  
”So Spock told you but not me? That's just great. Seems like he likes you better.”  
”Oh, come on Bones, maybe he thought you already knew or that it was obvious?” Jim shrugged, drinking half of his liquor at one go.  
”Right”, McCoy mumbled. 

”You don't sound very happy.”  
McCoy ignored Jim's remark because there was no point in denying that he indeed wasn't really happy at the moment. ”Why did they break up?”  
”No clue but at least now you have better chances”, Jim said, the most annoying smirk dancing on his lips.  
”Stop it, Jim”, McCoy grumbled, emptying his glass and lowering it on the table with a thud. 

”Okay, what's the matter?” Jim's smirk fell and was replaced with more serious look.  
”It's... Hell, I don't even know...” McCoy started, voice trailing off and shook his head. Jim was right about that he had now better chances but still, even though Spock and Uhura weren't together anymore it didn't automaticly mean that Spock would have _that kind of _feelings for him.__  
”Just spill it out.” Jim looked at him awaiting, blue eyes flickering of worry, giving him the needed encouragement. 

The thing was that McCoy was afraid. Last time he had loved someone hadn't ended well. His whole life had been robbed of from him in divorce, leaving him with nothing but a little choice and the next moment he had found himself at the Starfleet Academy. That had been a new start for him. He had gotten a new life, a purpose and a whole new world had opened up in front him. Aside from different kinds of dangers the new space life had brought with it, it had also given him a family. And not just any kind of family but one which would stick together even through the toughest times. A family that truly cared, that accepted everyone as they were. And as crazy as it may have sound, he wouldn't trade it for anything. 

After everything he had never really considered to find himself in a new relationship. Actually he had pretty much given up on the whole _'finding love'_ thing. But of course nothing had ever gone as planned and sooner than later he had realized he was in love. And that scared the hell out of him. _What if Spock didn't feel the same? What if he did and they could be together? Would it work? And what if he failed?_ So many questions, doubts that could destroy everything before it could even begin. 

”Bones, you alright?” Jim's concerned voice brought McCoy back to reality from his haunting thoughts.  
”Yeah, I just...” he paused for a moment, let out a deep sigh, gathering himself in order to be ready to open up to Jim. ”I'm afraid. If me and him were together and I would fail... I can't go through that again.”  
Silence fell between them and he started to play with his glass nervously while waiting Jim's next words.  
”You're afraid to love because you think you're going to, one way or another, lose it all.”  
”Yes”, he confirmed Jim's conclusion, lowering his gaze in shame. ”Sounds pathetic, doesn't it?” 

”Not at all. Considering what you've gone through it isn't wonder you're afraid”, Jim said quietly. ”But you know what? Maybe now it's time to put that fear aside, to leave the past behind and start to do what your heart tells you.”  
McCoy turned his gaze back to Jim.  
”How deep, Jim”, he commented sarcastically.  
”I'm serious. Just go for it and you'll see it's not that bad. It doesn't have to end badly. You won't fail again. I know it.” 

Jim's eyes were shining so brightly in the shady lighting, revealing the deep caring he had for him as he set a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.  
”I believe in you, Bones. You're not going to fail. Not this time.”  
McCoy didn't know what to say so he just looked at Jim, a grateful smile rising on his lips. _How on earth did he deserve a friend like Jim?_

Maybe Jim was right. Maybe it was time to let go of his past and just follow his heart. Of course, it wouldn't be easy – nothing ever was – and it would take time before the fear would subside but maybe in the end it all would be worth it. 

”So I should just go for it? Tell him how I feel?” McCoy asked, just to make sure he indeed had Jim's full support.  
”Definitely. I have had enough of watching you two pine after each other so I would be delighted if you would short everything out”, Jim aswered, a little grin dancing across his lips.  
”Wait, what? Are you saying that Spock... _likes_ me?”  
”Well, it's not like he's being too open but the way he has been looking at you and speaking about you lately...”

McCoy wasn't exactly convinced by Jim's words but he trusted him not to joke with serious things.  
”I really have a chance, then”, he stated and Jim nodded.  
”And a pretty good one, I would say.”  
”Hey, don't start partying too early, I haven't told him anything yet.”  
”But you're going to?”

 _Oh, great._ Of course Jim had to seize on his words. He hadn't really thought about doing anything but now... _Would he dare to take the chance?_ Nothing or no one could ever quarantee that everything would end well or happily. But on the other hand... If he had been able to to put up with Jim's shit for years, it would be wonder if he couldn't accept the possible rejection and live with unrequired love. And if he actually listened to his heart, it was clear it had known the answer all along. 

”I sure am”, McCoy assured, standing up, ready to leave. ”It's getting late and my shift starts early tomorrow so I think it's better to head to bed.”  
Jim nodded smiling slightly and patted his bicep. ”Sure. You look like you're in need of rest.”  
”Yeah, had a long day and then - - well, you know”, he stated quietly and Jim nodded towards the doors. McCoy took a few steps back, gaze still on Jim.  
”Thank you for everything.” It was barely louder than a whisper but he knew Jim had heard it.  
”That's what the best friends are for. They help each other out and have each other's backs no matter what. And besides, I want you to be happy.” 

McCoy offered Jim a smile before turning away and leaving his friend and the bar behind. On his way to the quarters his mind wandered to how he would tell Spock about his feelings, and he couldn't deny that even thinking about revealing his heart's desires to the Vulcan made him feel extremely nervous. _Damn it. Why dealing with feelings had to be so hard?_   


~ ~ ~

  
McCoy was examining a teenage patient as the door slide open and Spock walked in.

”I wish to speak with you, doctor.”

”Wait for a moment”, McCoy asked while running the last tests and giving some medicine to patient. He glanced briefly at Vulcan who moved aside, giving him space to finish his work. The flow of time seemed to slow down and and the room's temperature seemed to have risen abruptly by several degrees. McCoy could feel Spock's gaze on him for the whole time he was giving the patient necessary instructions. After making sure the patient had understood everything he was able to send them back home to rest. He breathed slowly in and out, trying to ease his nervousness, and finally turned to face Spock.

”I'm all ears now.”

Spock raised his brow, looking a little bit confused at first and coming then into realization that he should say something.

”If I have not mistaken I believe your shift ends in an hour.”  
”Yes.”  
”If you have no duties after I wish you could accompany me at the star tower. I have noticed some changes in how we act in the presence of each other and believe that it would be best to clear those changes”, Spock stated matter-of-factly, but something in his essence told McCoy that there was some uncertainty in him.  
”I see”, McCoy mumbled, offering Spock a faint, nervous smile. ”Sure, I can join you.”

Spock seemed pleased and took a few steps forward, towards him. His gaze shoftened in a blink and the corners of his mouth turned slightly upwards. McCoy was way too aware of his rapidly beating heart and he shifted weight from one leg to another.

”I will wait for you there”, Spock said quietly, taking again a few steps closer to him. McCoy watched as the Vulcan extended his hand and brushed his fingers ever so slightly against his arm. His heart jumped at the touch and then he could feel the wave of calmness surging into him. He let out a breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding and soon the nervousness was gone.

He blinked a few times and stared at Spock dumbfounded. Spock didn't say anything, just withdrew his hand and McCoy watched as the Vulcan turned to leave and soon disappeared behind the door, leaving him standing there, in the examination room, completely puzzled.

_What the hell had just happened?_  


~ ~ ~

  
McCoy was rushing through the halls and corridors in the direction of the star tower. He knew he was running late and hoped that Spock would still be waiting for him. He had chosen the shorterst way in hopes to gain time but despite that the distance seemed to be way too long.

After fifteen minutes he finally reached the destination and stopped before the door to catch his breath. This was it. The now or never moment. If he didn't tell about his feelings now he would probably never do that. He took a deep breath and opened the door just to find Spock standing with his back to him, looking out the large windows.

”Sorry I'm late but there was an emergency call right before my shift ended”, he explained while walking over to Vulcan.  
”Apologizing is unnesessary but accepted.”  
Silence fell between them and they stood side by side, both looking at the faintly glowing stars outside. It was wistful to think that in a few months they could be heading back to there and continue to explore the new corners of the space. 

”You do not seem to be pleased. I am aware of distress that being in space causes you but I do not think that you would not come with us when we are able to go out there again.”  
McCoy turned to Spock who was looking at him with slight concern.  
”You're right. I don't like being there but there's no way I can let Jim handle everything by himself. That would just end in disaster sooner than later.”  
”Indeed, our captain has the tendency to find himself in rather problematic situations but he is capable of taking care of himself.”

”I know. It's just... He's my best friend and I don't want to lose him.”  
”Your care for him is understandable.”  
McCoy smiled a little, sighing. ”And it's not just him I have to worry about but the all of you. Hell, I don't usually admit things like this out loud or show it but I care more than any of you knows.”  
”I see what you mean. Emotions can be overwhelming and sometimes it is hard to surpress them.”  
”Says the one who barely shows any emotions”, McCoy remarked, not meaning his words as an insult.

”That does not mean I do not care”, Spock stated and didn't look have taken offence from his words.  
”I know. It's just frustrating not to know what you really feel most of the time.”  
Spock looked at him a little uncertain.  
”I believe I have already given you a glimpse of how I feel in your presence.”  
McCoy frowned in confusion, trying to wrap his head around Spock's words. Surely he would remember - - _Oh, that._ The touch, back then at the medical center.

”At the medical center... The calmness. That was how you felt?”  
”Yes. And that is what I am feeling now as well, beyond other emotions. I am a touch-telepath so I am capable of expressing my emotions through a single touch. Surely you must have known that.”  
”I... must have forgotten”, McCoy said, trying to remember if he had heard something about touch-telepaths back then at the Academy. ”Wait, you're feeling something else, too?”  
”Affirmative. That is what I wish to speak of.”

McCoy let out a sigh and felt the nervousness rise within him. It was time to let it all out, open his heart and take the chance.  
”There's something I have to tell you, too.”  
”I believe it is associated with how we have been acting in the presence of each other.”  
”Yes, though it's more like why I've been acting lately the way I have.”

Silence fell between them again and they just stood there, looking at each other. Spock's gaze was softer, more welcoming and it encouraged McCoy to continue speaking. He forced the worst case scenario thoughts away and tried to convince himself of that the consequences wouldn't be bad. His heart was already beating faster and with every passing second he grew more nervous. _Oh, how he hoped Spock would touch him again..._

”Leonard.”

”Uh, sorry, I...” McCoy mumbled shifting nervously, biting his bottom lip. _God, why it is so hard to say it?_ Only a few words. He could do that. He had to - - 

Suddenly there was a flood of calmness and he relaxed almost immediately. His gaze dropped briefly just to confirm that Spock indeed had taken a hold of his left wrist. McCoy shook his head, finally glearing his throat. It was now or never.

”I'm in love with you.” 

After the words had passed his lips, McCoy turned his gaze away, not daring to look at Spock. Seconds felt like minutes and he focused on his breathing while desperately waiting for Spock's reaction. The Vulcan was still holding on his wrist which he took as a positive sign.

”Leonard.”

Spock's voice was so undeniably soft that it made McCoy's heart soar. Hesitantly he turned his gaze back to Spock and as their eyes met, he nearly melted at the sight. The Vulcan's eyes held so much emotion, _affection,_ that logically should have been impossible. Yet there it was, clear as the stars in the sky, telling everything he needed to know. He stared at Spock with amazement, mouth slightly ajar, being sure the sight was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Then the moment was gone and McCoy was left with feeling as if some piece of him was missing.

”My apologies, I had not expected this to be so intense.”

Spock's gaze had dropped and there was frail, greenish flush adorning his cheeks. McCoy had to admit quietly on his mind that it was kind of cute.

”It's okay, I guess we both got more than we had expected”, he assured, looking out the window. 

The sky had gotten nice reddish shade, coloring the Yorktown with beautiful compinations, and the stars were shining more brightly. The tower room had dimmed and together with reddish light coming from the sky it created rather romantic atmosphere. McCoy brushed his fingers over his left, tingling wrist and a qenuine smile rose to his lips. 

”Um... So, you like me?” He knew it was crappy attempt to continue their conversation but he didn't know what else to say. He hadn't really thought about what he would say after revealing his feelings.  
”Did I not make my feelings clear?” The greenish flush was gone from Spock's cheeks and the usual stoic mask had returned, yet his gaze had remained soft.

”I think you did but I just - -” McCoy cut off, shrugging.  
”Have doubts”, Spock stated and McCoy nodded.  
”Unfortunately. It's nothing to do with you, though. Things that have happened in the past are sometimes hard to forget.”  
”I see”, Spock said queitly, reached out his hand and brushed his fingers against McCoy's arm. ”If you wish to speak of those troubling matters, I will listen.”  
”Thanks but I think I'll leave that for later.” 

He looked at Spock's fingers on his arm, hesitating for a moment, and reached out to touch them. Spock flinched at the contact but allowed McCoy to intertwine their fingers.  
”Is this okay?”  
”Yes, I find this rather pleasing”, Spock answered, corner of his mouth twitching upwards. McCoy couldn't help smile from rising on his lips as he looked into Spock's eyes, studying the depths of their dark beauty. It was unbelievable how at ease he felt right at the moment. As if someone had just lifted the weight from his shoulders and let him finally to breathe.

Spock's free hand found its way to his hips, pulling him gently closer. They were now so close that McCoy could feel Spock's breath caressing his face. His gaze dropped automaticly to Vulcan's parted lips and before he even realized he was leaning in. Their lips met in a chaste, yet tentative kiss that filled McCoy's heart with such a joy and warmth he hadn't felt in years.

Finally he was whole.

Eventually the air was needed and they parted but didn't let go of each other. The affection shone so bright in Spock's eyes that McCoy couldn't almost believe it to be real. 

But it was real. And it gave him hope. Hope of that one day he would be able to leave his rough past behind and enjoy the happiness that had been granted for him.

The years spent in space had involved many things that had nearly drove him insane but there was one thing that hadn't changed and never would. 

He would go beyond anything for those who he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments will make my day. :D


End file.
